The Moment I Knew
by nikki-rookk
Summary: "I've got my eye on the door, Just waiting for you to walk in, But the time is ticking." Kate's been in DC for five months, it's Kate's Birthday, and Castle should have been there. Inspired by the song The Moment I Knew by Taylor Swift.


_You should've been there,_

_Should've burst through the door,_

_With that 'baby I'm right here' smile,_

_And it would've felt like,_

_A million little shining stars had just aligned,_

_And I would've been so happy._

* * *

Katherine Beckett, extra tall in her elegant black heels, is standing by the vast window of her apartment. Looking out over the city, she can see the capital building that's only a few blocks away, and the christmas lights are already shimmering around the city even though it's still early November. The thought of Christmas makes her shiver and rub her bare arms, though her apartment is toasty warm, the black party dress she's wearing makes it a little chilly. She glances at the clock. She'd been expecting a call from Castle about an hour ago, or at least a text saying he'd boarded his plane. But she hadn't heard from him in a solid three days now, the last time they'd talked it had been short.

She'd been constantly busy and now that she had a bit of free time after the end of a case, he found himself booked with meetings about his book contract. She'd filled him in on the last minute party plans, that Lanie and Ryan would be flying down for the night but Esposito couldn't make it. Jenny couldn't come because she was due any day now, and no matter how much Kate insisted that Ryan stay home he wanted to come to DC to celebrate Kate's birthday. Her father was even coming into town. This was the first full weekend that Kate had off since starting her job in DC and she wanted to use it to see everyone she had been missing so vigorously the last five months.

She hadn't seen Castle in three.

They tried to talk on the phone every night, but when Castle had went back to New York to help Alexis move back into her dorm, he'd decided he might get some writing done on his new Nikki Heat idea if he stayed in New York for the weekend. The weekend turned into a week, then a month, and now it's been three months and Kate is only just noticing how long it's been. She can't fool herself. She's been busy, she wouldn't have had much time to see Castle even with him in DC. There had been several times where he said he'd make it down for a weekend or an extended stay but something came up last minute. But during their quick phone call three days ago he'd promised her he would make it this time, and she hoped that since it was her birthday party, that he would actually come through.

The doorbell rang, and Lanie and Ryan were at the door, Lanie toting a hefty bottle of wine, and Ryan embraced her with a warm bear hug that she didn't realize she'd been missing until now. Kate only got them inside before her father showed up, and soon after that her new friends from the attorney generals office. The tiny apartment was bustling with people now, Coltrane playing quietly underneath the conversation, and Kate was glad everyone was getting along so well.

* * *

_Christmas lights glisten,_

_I've got my eye on the door,_

_Just waiting for you to walk in,_

_But the time is ticking,_

_People ask me how I've been _

_As I comb back through my memory,_

_How you said you'd be here,_

_You said you'd be here._

* * *

Kate loves how one of her partners is getting along so well with Ryan. Kate joins their conversation for a bit, talking about how different it is being an agent than a detective, and it surprises Kate how enthusiastic Ryan is to talk about it. She had expected him to react like Castle had, still feeling like New York was her home and almost as if being an agent was just temporary. But Ryan was explaining his latest case of a real estate tycoon's murder and Kate's new partner was nodding his head along with it. Kate tried to concentrate on what Ryan was saying, but her eyes kept darting to the door. Straining her neck to look at the clock on the wall, everyone has been here for a good hour now and her phone still hasn't buzzed. She's checked it ten times in the last five minutes. She excuses herself from Ryan's story and walks over to the counter to check her phone again. Lanie is taking a break from her heals and is sitting at the counter sipping her wine. They haven't had much of a chance to talk since she's arrived.

"Girl, you need to take a break from all that socializing." Kate just looks up at her and smiles. Taking her advice, she sits in the empty stool next to her, bringing her phone along with her.

"Ugh, Lanie, it's been too long." Kate says with a smile, leaning her head against her arm on the counter.

"Damn right." Kate could already tell that Lanie was a little tipsy but it just made her laugh to herself. "So how've you been sweetie?" Kate responds to the question with a shrug of her shoulders.

"Busy. These cases." Kate just shakes her head. Lanie knows she can't talk about them no matter how much she wants to. "They're just draining. Just last week I chased a guy five blocks before cutting through an ally to catch up to him." Kate's heart twisted. That was the same day she'd gotten a text from Castle but couldn't respond to it for another four hours. He hadn't been happy about it. The case ended on a funny note, but she had never gotten to tell him about it. Kate's expression must have drifted a little and Lanie could tell.

"You okay Sweetie?" Lanie rested her hand on Kate's arm and Kate gave a half hearted smile.

"Castle said he'd be here." Lanie took the moment to glance around the room and up at the clock.

"Oh don't you worry. He'll be here soon, I'm sure his flight was just delayed." Kate nodded, trying to think positive. She hadn't been doing very well at that, thinking positive, when it came to her relationship lately. She looked out at the party and Lanie just tapped her arm.

"Go mingle. You're dad was telling me an interesting baseball story earlier that he didn't get to finish. I'll be fine." With a smile, Lanie shooed her away and Kate went walking across the room. Though, she really didn't know where her destination was in this small apartment. She found her self standing in the middle of the room, eyes dancing around all the people there. All the people who were there for her, to celebrate her birthday. Her eyes landed on the door. No matter how long she looked at it, it still didn't open.

* * *

_And it was like slow motion,_

_Standing there in my party dress,_

_In red lipstick,_

_With no-one to impress,_

_And they're all laughing,_

_As I'm looking around the room,_

_But there's one thing missing,_

_And that was the moment I knew._

* * *

Kate could hear the conversations around her. Her second partner, Rachel, was now talking animatedly with Lanie and her dad about something and Ryan was dancing with the five year old daughter of another one of Kate's coworkers. The laughter was spinning around Kate so quickly and all she could do was stare at the door.

It felt like Kate had been standing there forever but it was probably only seconds before Rachel popped up beside her and started telling Kate about how much she liked her dad. She drew her into conversation which distracted her for a while, and she got back to mingling between all of her friends. But eventually something settled in her stomach, a feeling she didn't like. When she took a sip of her wine and some of her bright red lipstick came off, she reached for a napkin and wiped it all away. She put it on to impress Castle, he loved it when she wore lipstick, but he wasn't here.

Her birthday was going perfectly, this party much smoother than she'd been expecting, she'd been worried all week that her new friends wouldn't get along with her old ones. Everything fit together, but she could still feel the empty spaces of the the one thing missing from the party. Castle. His laughter, his jokes, his intelligent conversations he had with Kate's father, which she had come to love to listen to. It was all missing.

* * *

_And the hours pass by,_

_Now I just wanna be alone,_

_But your close friends always seem to know _

_when there's something really wrong,_

_So they follow me down the hall,_

_And there in the bathroom,_

_I try not to fall apart,_

_And the sinking feeling starts,_

_As I say hopelessly,_

_"He said he'd be here."_

* * *

Kate's sitting on the couch now, watching her new friends dance with each other around her tiny apartment, soaking it in. She looks at the clock and see's it's been three hours since everyone arrived. Surprised that the party is still going strong, Kate takes a sip of her wine, the same glass she's been drinking since Lanie poured it seconds after she arrived. Kate see's Lanie across the room, see's her notice her on the couch, and Kate watches as she dismisses herself from someone she'd been talking to. Kate looks away to the door, and the tears finally sting her eyes. Before Lanie could take a few steps Kate stands and walks down the hallway away from the party, barricading herself in the bathroom.

She looks at herself in the mirror, makeup already messed up from the tears, and Kate realizes she's probably been slowly crying for the last hour. She holds them in though, and wipes at her tears, trying to compose herself. Then there's a small knock on the door and the handle turns. Kate curses herself for not locking it, and expects Lanie to pop her head through the door. But Ryan's voice calls through it.

"Kate, can I come in?" Instead of answering, Kate just grabs the door and pulls it open, a little to forcefully but Ryan doesn't seem to mind. She sees Lanie standing behind him and she steps back to let them in. The three of them barely fit in her tiny bathroom, Kate taking a seat on the edge of her bathtub, Ryan on the toilet in front of her, which leaves Lanie to lean against the sink.

"Kate, what's wrong?" Ryan's voice is quiet and calm, but demanding. She can tell he won't take silence as an answer. She still waits, feeling everything swell inside her and she buries her face in her hands to hold it in.

"He said he'd be here." She chokes it out and then she suddenly can't hold it in any longer. A loud sob escapes her throat and Ryan moves over and sits next to her on the edge of the bathtub, wrapping his arm around her. She leans into him and is hit with another wave of emotions when she wishes it was Castle sitting here instead of Ryan. Lanie sits down on the toilet seat and rests a hand on Kate's knee, but neither of them say anything. They just let her cry.

With each racking sob, Ryan pulls Kate closer to her, protecting her the only way he can manage. It's comforting, but each time she tries to inhale she smells New York. The familiarity of the precinct, she can even smell Lanie's perfume that she always uses to cover up the smell of the morgue. It's all too much, yet everything she needs at the same time and she has a hard time breathing. Ryan just runs his hand over her back to calm her down, which helps only a little.

* * *

_What do you say _

_When tears are streaming down your face,_

_In front of everyone you know?_

_And what do you do when the one _

_Who means the most to you,_

_is the one who didn't show?_

* * *

Kate finally looks up at Lanie, her vision blurry but she can still make out the outline of the woman who has been her best friend for years now. Kate just shakes her head and holds out her hands. Kate tries to form words but nothing comes out. Lanie just shakes her head and grabs ahold of Kate's hands.

"Oh sweetie." That's all Lanie says. Kate can still feel Ryan's hand running over her upper back, which is helping her breathe but it isn't helping her think.

"He said he'd be here." It was barely a whisper, but it's all Kate can say, all she can think. Castle's happy, encouraging tone on the phone, '_I've booked a flight for friday afternoon, I'll be there Kate.'_ The words echo in her brain and she just presses her hand to her head to make the thoughts go away. "He said he'd be here." She mouths it now, beginning to wonder if she had made it all up. The number of times he'd canceled on her before, it shouldn't surprise her that he wouldn't show, but it does. It rips the air our of her lungs and now she's fighting to replace it.

"Kate, I'm sure he just got held up. He told me yesterday that Gina and Black Pawn are throwing him hoops to jump through about his contract and his next book deals." The air fills Kate's lungs quicker than expected and she scoots away from Ryan to look at this face.

"You talked to him yesterday?" Ryan's eyes darted to Lanie, he could tell this wasn't the right thing to say. But Lanie tried to help.

"Kate, when was the last time you spoke with... Castle?" Kate could tell Lanie hesitated in saying his name but it didn't matter. It was running through Kate's head every second.

"Uh... three days ago. Four now I guess. He said he was busy, I was too but..." Kate took a deep breathe and tried to make herself breathe. She didn't want to repeat herself again but there wasn't anything else to say. "He said he'd be here. He said he'd make it this time." Kates eyes were begging Lanie for an explanation when she looked up at her again. Lanie rubbed Kates knee lightly.

"I'm sure he's just been busy." That's all Lanie could come up with to say and that excuse wasn't working for Kate anymore. He was never busy, had wasted years following her around in New York, not being busy. He just didn't want to be around her. Not while she was in DC, not while she was working this job. She didn't want to think it, but it was the only thing that made her stop crying, and replaced the heartache in her chest with anger. She swallowed hard.

"We should get back to the party." Kate stood, teetering a little on her heels and Ryan gripped her for support. Neither of them objected, Lanie just stood and wiped away Kate's runny makeup with a paper towel.

"You sure you're okay?" Lanie's tone caught Kate off guard a little but she just nodded. As she gripped the door handle with one last look in the mirror, she opened the door tossing back a line she's said so many times in the past that it doesn't sound true to her anymore.

"I'm fine."

* * *

_You call me later,_

_And say I'm sorry I didn't make it._

_And I say I'm sorry too,_

_And that was the moment I knew._

* * *

The party is slowly dying down. No one had noticed Kate, Ryan, and Lanie's absence, and when they return most everyone is gathered around the kitchen counter, muttering goodbyes. When Kate walks up she's gripped by almost everyone in hugs and good wishes. Everyone saying it had been a great party and wishing her happy birthday until their voices couldn't be heard at the end of the hallway anymore. Eventually, the last to remain were Ryan, Lanie and her father. Kate's father gave her a deep hug, and it lasted longer than usual and Kate could tell he knew something was wrong. But he doesn't ask. He just leans back and smiles at her.

"Happy Birthday Katie. We still on for lunch tomorrow?" Kate had momentarily forgotten that her father was staying in town for the weekend so they could spend time together. Kate nods.

"Of course, I want to take you to my favorite new little restaurant." She gives him a half hearted smile and he squeezes her arm.

"See you then." He leaves a kiss on her forehead and Kate watches as the door swings behind him. She turns back to Ryan and Lanie, who she knows are both catching a flight back to New York in about an hour.

"Sorry we have to leave so soon Kate." Ryan comes in for a hug and Kate doesn't hesitate. His arms remind her of Castle's though, big and strong, warm. Like home. She breathes deeply, smelling all the smells of New York and the precinct.

"It's fine Kev, really." She leans back and smiles at him. "You better call me the moment Jenny has that baby. I'll take the next day off and come up and visit." Kate had been planning this, she actually had taken the entire next week off of work as a birthday present to herself. Jenny's due dat was in only three days and Kate had been planning on taking a trip to New York for a while.

"Of course I will." Ryan smiled at her and gave her another short hug, then stood back to let Lanie in. Kate reached over and hugged her first this time.

"Thanks Lanie, for everything." She mumbled into her ear and Lanie just nodded.

"You need anything, just call. I can go over and kick Castle's ass all the way to DC if I have to." The comment stings Kate but it makes her smile.

"I might take you up on that." Kate walks the two of the them to the door, and watches as they climb onto the elevator, each with a small wave goodbye.

Kate shut the door behind her and leaned back. She kicked her heels off to the side and stood there, looking around her empty apartment. It was quite, the music had stopped long ago. She had a few small presents sitting on the kitchen counter, and everyone had put their wine glasses in the sink. Kate fiddled with the packaging on some of the gifts, not having the hear to open any of them just yet.

She padded around the floor, completely drained of tears, she found herself spinning to the silence and forcing herself to have this moment of being okay enough to enjoy her birthday. Then her phone rang. The buzz was loud across the room, her phone abandoned on the counter where she'd left it hours ago. Her bare feet padded slowly across the room, her heart sinking when she saw Castle's face looking up at her.

She couldn't decide if she wanted to answer it. What would she say? What would he say? What could he possibly tell her that would justify him not showing up. Him missing out on her birthday, when... when. She had tried so hard to push it out of her mind, the birthday party she had thrown for him, but now it was all flooding up inside of her, and she slid her finger across her phone to answer it and all that came out was a strangled and angry "What?"

There was silence on the other end but she could hear him breathing. She was about to say his name, to tell him to say something when his voice cut through.

"Kate." It was barely audible but she still heard it. But it was what she didn't hear that tore her heart apart. She didn't hear an apology. Didn't hear remorse, or even an excuse at the tip of his tongue. He just, said it. As if she had been the one to call him. As if she hadn't just spent her entire birthday crying in the bathroom over him.

"What do you want Castle?" Her voice was suddenly back and her eyes didn't have any tears left, so she just stood there, in the middle of her apartment, anger threatening to boil over her at any point.

"I'm sorry I didn't make it." His voice was rough but she didn't hear any meaning behind his apology.

"Ya, I'm sorry too." It was sarcastic but Kate wanted him to know. Wanted to know what he had just done to her. How he had ruined a day that had started out filled with hope. How he had broken yet another promise and along with it her trust. And as the hope of him showing up tonight had slowly drained from her, so did any hope she had left for their relationship. She could feel it, the walls that had been holding them together, walls that had been broken too many times in the last year, were held together with too much tape and glue, that they were finally crumbling and her knees went with them.

Kate sat on the floor, phone pressed to her ear but with no words to say. She could hear it. The silence was so deafening, she sat in the middle of her apartment and listened as her relationship with the love of her life came crumbling down around her.


End file.
